We always tend to save the best for birthdays and deathdays. The first one is a cause for celebration, the latter is a cause for regret – we always save the best for a second chance that will never see dawn. 

“Death is not the snuffing out of a candle…
It is the putting out of a lantern because the dawn has come”  – quoted from Jules’s blog.

To be continued…. 

This 1st February, light a candle in loving memory of Tian Leng. He won’t be celebrating 22 years of life, but we will pay respect to his 21 years of joy and laughter, of sadness and bitterness, of sorrow and fear, of pain and gain, of friendship and brotherhood.

Light a candle of love and respect this 1st February.
 

 Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Her

Her

The irony: She complains that he’s taking up too much space. The house – is his.  

His solution: He controls the remote. Everything else, whatever!

The happy ending: She throws out his toiletries. They are now sharing. He gets to keep the mouthwash.

 Ah…life is beautiful, isn’t it? Makes you wonder sometimes…..

I got a visit from Tian Leng. Don’t remember much of the beginning. Just the part where his handphone rang. It was a call from him saying that he was home.

I was upstairs, in my room. So, I quickly ran down the stairs and stopped midway. There he was, standing by the door with tears in his eyes.

“I’m home…” he said.

As I took slow steps down, he extended his arms and reached out to me.

“No, you can’t be real. I’m dreaming right? I’m still dreaming right?” I asked, and felt warm tears rolling down my cheeks.

He just gave me a weak smile.

I reached the bottom of the stairs and stood face to face with Tian Leng. He looked handsome. Healthy. No cuts or bruises or dilated pupils. Just ……. him. Just the way I remember him.

Then he held both my hands, leaned closer and gave me that trademark grin – raised eyebrows, big eyes and cheeky. Suddenly, he turned serious, looked directly into my eyes as if he was trying to say “listen to me”, frowned and squeezed my hands so hard I jolted up.

It was a dream. But the numbness was real. Both my hands were numb. Very numb. I had to sit up and shake my hands until I felt the prickles of blood gushing through the veins. Then I found myself crying. It was so real. He… was so real. I hardly remember my dreams. I always forget once I wake up. But this dream .. his frown, his voice, the warmth of his hands, the hard squeeze, the brotherly love in his eyes, it was just sooo real.

When he stayed with me during his internship, I told him about waking up with numbness in my hands. I went to see a GP. He took my blood pressure and told me that it was probably due to air-conditioning. Tian Leng advised me to see doctor again because numbness is usually related to heart disease. Second doctor said I’m too young to be getting heart disease and probability of female is even lower. Tian Leng then told me that I just needed to exercise. “damn fat la you. You just need to exercise and lose weight and get better blood circulation. Else later you get diabetes then you know!”

Did he come into my dream to warn me of troubles ahead? Or was it just a visual replay of my subconscious mind? Between the logics of science and the complexities of spiritual realm, which one is real? Nonetheless, I take solace in the former and the comforting thought that he’s looking down upon us, watching over us.

Maybe … just a message from him that he’s home. Has always been. Always will be.

When I was a little girl, I dreamt a little dream. A little illusive dream of tinkerbells and fairies, of magic wands and princess in a little kingdom of eternal happiness. Then as I grew up and grew out of fairytale bliss, I began dreaming a little bigger dream. Then little bigger dream became bigger dreams. Then brother grew up and he shared his little dreams with me and together we dreamt a little bigger bigger dreams. Now, that my brother is no longer with me to chase these big little bigger dreams, I find myself wandering along an aimless dream road that ended the day he died. 

I recalled Tian Leng’s favourite song entitled “The Illusive Dream”.

Where might you be going this fine day my friend?

Off along an aimless road that soon must end

Chasing an illusive dream that shines so fair

But when found isn’t there

………………………………… 

………………….

…..

If without the Grace of God your life should end

And before the face of God you’d stand, my friend

What would your illusive dream avail you then?

So, come along and walk with Him

If without the grace of God my life should end, what would my illusive dream avail me then? Am I walking an aimless road chasing an illusive dream? If without the grace of God ….. *sigh*

Illusive is such an illusive word. Been thinking about this word for a while.

I was up all night. So forgive me if my post is somewhat messy and unstructured.

I realised that the biggest dream I’ve ever dreamt was of those when I was that little girl. Dreams that took wild imagination and non-existence fear of failure. Dreams of wildest imaginative creativity. Dreams of impossible reach yet filled with the naive hope of believing that they would come true.

Had a little chat with another dragon-named guy and little chat of little dreams became late night chats of bigger dreams. Sleep deprived and high on caffeine, yet I am so excited with the plans I have planned ahead. I feel so liberated because I have found the courage to dream again. Norman Cousins is right. “The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started.”  

Every success in life starts with a dream. The only difference between a dream and success is not the courage to dream but the courage to make that dream come true. But most of us stare at our dream for so long that that dream remains an illusive dream because we are so afraid to take that first step into making it happen…because we are so afraid of failure. Because having hope is better than the realisation of no hope should we fail to succeed. 

“To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom” they say. 

So I  summed up the courage to be that little girl again. Because I have found the courage to dream bigger dreams again. I know I’m not chasing an illusive dream. Because unlike that little girl who dreamt of tinkerbell and fairies, this girl knows better.  She just needs the courage to believe again and the strength to achieve them.

So, here’s sneak peak into our dreams, which I believe no one would be able to comprehend from the picture above except Tian Leng and June. Because that is our dream to dream and our vision to build.

“If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.” – Marcel Proust -

“Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or if the moments in our lives make us?”

2007 was a year of many milestones and one big tragedy. Ironically, despite the darkness of death that shadowed upon the family in the tragic month of December, this new year celebration to usher in the year of 2008 is the best I’ve had in many years. One of those scrapbook moments that went down into the history of our memories is the fact that our beloved friend had to shit 20 minutes before countdown and in the middle of a dreadful traffic jam to get to The Curve. It was one of those S.O.S Shit moments that cannot wait and so in all urgency, we stopped at One World Hotel and had the best bird’s eye view of the fireworks without the pushing and shoving (my worst were KLCC in 2003 and Bukit Bintang millennium countdown). We thought our friend had a bird’s eye view of his own fireworks too in the toilet as we counted down to “threee, twooo, oneee….” without him.

We stayed up all night playing cards and had a hearty dim sum breakfast early in the morning. We didn’t need loud music, alcohol or a room full of beautiful strangers to have fun. Just the cozy company of five fun-loving friends with good humour and pockets full of cash.

Friends since we were 7

As I was enjoying a good breezy new year afternoon at the Curve, I caught a glimpse of a once-special-someone in front of me and I ducked. Well, technically, I didn’t duck since there was no room to actually duck. Sort of did a Carrie Bradshaw-inspired stoop although real life is a lot less graceful than what it looks on tv. Then I quickly regretted what I did and thought just how childish I behaved, “for God’s sake, I am turning 27 this year!” I then typed a message to my girl friend which said,

“I saw ******. So I quickly hide. I hope he didn’t see me or see me do that,” and pressed ’send’ ….. to that once-special-someone named ******!!

The things I do to embarass myself. Now, I really gotta go bang my head somewhere and hope I disappear into thin air if he’s ever around.  

I also managed to catch up with my cousin Lynne whom I haven’t met for many years since she started working in London. As we were window shopping while updating each other about our lives, we found ourselves standing in the middle of falling snowflakes at the Curve. It invoked the nostalgic moment when I first experienced snow with Lynne in London when I was 15. We were staying with Uncle Yang at that time.

I spent lunchtime with the family and dad was quiet but grumpy. The quality of the food at Friday’s that day and the state of emotion of the family – family day out just wasn’t the same anymore. Medium-grilled steak was too hard and chewy while the beef ribs were a little too soft. Something else was missing and it was the voice of my brother and his presence. Even in the busiest and noisiest of places, the silence was deafening.     

Desires of the heart I wish to hold dear in the confines of the voice within, I wrote down renewed dreams and rekindled hopes I wish to achieve in 2008 in my little black book. While some people express themselves through words, art and music, I spent time at home doing these … my priorities for 2008.

So watch out for this Taurean bull in 2008.

“Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I’ve come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I’m a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognise that every day won’t be sunny. But when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember it’s only in the black of night that you can see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. To stumble and fall. Because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scared you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for. Maybe, you’ll get more than you ever could’ve imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long. And in the end, the journey is the destination.” 

*Quotes from One Tree Hill